I’ve spent
the past 40 or so years dampening down my emotions with alcohol. The degree has varied as has the way it’s
manifested, but that’s what I’ve been doing, albeit unsuccessfully.
Sometimes
(mostly when I was younger) I did it by being the cheerful party girl, at other
times I’ve adopted the overly confident, aggressive “take no prisoners” persona
(the only woman in a male dominated 1980s office, union rep, sticking up for
others) - alternating a lot between people pleasing and controlling.
One way or
another though, all of it has been to cover up my deep sorrow, shame and
pervasive anxiety - and most of my other “negative” emotions.
A lot of
this is as a result of relinquishing my daughter for adoption when I was 17 years
old. The only way I could cope at that
time was by burying the feelings – they were too gut-wrenchingly painful to
allow myself to experience them. So, I did what I’ve been taught to do since I
was born – I just got on with it and denied myself the opportunity to grieve
and experience every other emotion that goes with such an awful life event.
I know Mum
and Dad did what they thought was best – we weren’t allowed to express negative
emotions. I think this was an approach
many families, particularly English families, had after the 2nd
World War – they’d had enough misery.
Unfortunately it meant that my generation was left with this feeling
that even now I’m struggling to describe.
Forty years of burying requires a lot of creativity, manipulation, lying
to myself and others, and energy. I don’t
want to do it anymore and I need to develop the skills to be able to do things
differently. Although I have the
insight, my expression of emotions now tends to be all or nothing – I suppress
and suppress (as I’ve been taught) and then bam! there is an explosion that is
often expressed inappropriately.
I don’t
know exactly when drinking alcohol became an obvious need, but I suspect it
started when my first husband suicided when I was 39. Another catastrophic loss was just too much.
Then I met my
current husband and he liked to drink too, so that made it easier. I think we both increased our drinking since meeting,
I know I certainly did. When I was
living alone after my first husband died I used to binge drink, often to the
point of oblivion. This was interspersed
with days at a time when I didn’t drink at all.
When I lived alone I didn’t buy alcohol in bulk (as I did with my
current husband until recently) so often
there was no alcohol in my house and this meant I didn’t bother or even think
about drinking on some nights – it just wasn’t a daily habit then. Now when I’m at work I start thinking about
having a glass of wine at round 4pm and I used to crack open a bottle as soon
as I walked in the door. On weekends our
days are planned around drinking (disguised of course – it’s just that we like going to restaurants closer to home
– not because the drink-driving risk
is less obvious) ha ha.
Early in my
current relationship, about 13 years ago, I experienced delayed onset PTSD. I think it happened then, ironically because
subconsciously I finally felt safe and secure enough in that relationship, to
fall apart. On the surface the PTSD was
about being physically threatened by a client, but really it was about many
things – the insecurity of growing up in poverty, losing my daughter and my
husband – plus all the lesser traumas along the way. Also ironically, my experience of PTSD
damaged my relationship with husband.
It’s just too much of a load to expect someone to carry, and I expected
a lot more than was humanly possible with my ranting and vitriol. So it seems falling apart has eventually
caused what is precious to me to also fall apart.
I stopped
drinking alcohol 41 days ago. Now I find
myself on a roller coaster of emotions - completely raw and unmasked by alcohol
or antidepressants. It’s very tempting
to go back to self-medicating one way or another but I’m determined not
to. I am eating too much sugar, but I’m hopeful it’s short term and at least
it doesn’t damage my brain (as far as I know).
I’m not
sure my relationship will survive my not drinking while my husband continues. He has recently retired and thinks he is a
moderate drinker but he’s not. In the
past he has hidden alcohol from me, he drinks every day – approximately 6-10
standard drinks is average, his cognitive abilities are slowing, he is tired
all the time and sleeps a lot when he‘s not watching TV. Many of our arguments have, ironically, been
about his drinking not mine. Our alcohol
fueled arguments are always nastier – with the restraints off we’re both
pretty vile. Now one of us is more so. He has also recently identified a friend who
has retired who visits our local pub every day, for most of the day. The “bar” is opening earlier as time progresses.
We seem to
be at an impasse where neither of us is able to be tolerant or generous and we are both
overly sensitive to the even slightest slight.
If it unfolds that we are not going to grow old together then it will be
another loss to bear. I still have hope,
but not a lot and I’m not sure how I will manage without him, but no doubt I
will somehow – I just hope I won’t need to find out.
Coping with
life without alcohol is shitty at the moment.
I think doing it and drinking alcohol would be shittier though.
